Stories from Sarah

I feel like I constantly find myself entering into new stages of life, and I barely start to adjust to one before it's time to move onto another. This year, all three children are in school full-time. AJ is only 3, but I started her in school thinking that I would be working full-time to help pay for Iddy's school fees next year when he starts his A-levels. As it turns out, I'm not working full-time, but I have been working on and off doing contract work as a medical writer, so it's probably a good thing that she is in school. Sometimes, however, I find myself in between jobs and without much to do during the day. My working schedule is pretty sporadic, so I can't always make plans for this down time. It comes up unexpectedly, and then I wonder what to do with myself. As a person who is driven by goals and productivity and check lists, this kind of time has been a challenge to deal with. Today I met Chris at his office in the morning and worked on some e-mails. I'm thankful that I have this time to spend with Chris, and I'm thankful I can go up to the school if one of the kids needs me for something, and I'm thankful to get to spend some time on myself every once in a while.

I try to get into pedicures and that kind of thing, but that's just not me. After we dropped off all three kids on the first day of school, Chris looked at me sweetly, and with the best intentions he said, "You could go home and watch a show on Netflix!" I broke down and wept. No doubt, I do get pedicures every once in a while, and I certainly enjoy watching a good movie, but I am also the kind of person that needs to DO SOMETHING. Unfortunately, I'm also not the kind of person that generally wants to START SOMETHING. I hop on whatever train is passing by that is going in a good direction, and I take whatever job hasn't been taken, and I do a good job of it. For the past few years, no trains have passed by, so I find myself in the middle of nowhere and no way of getting anywhere. And I feel paralyzed because I now have to choose a direction to go in myself, and I have to find the courage to take that first step. Or should I just sit and hang out here for a while? I need a life coach... ha.

Meanwhile, I am learning some painful lessons in my personal life. I just read a chapter on forgiveness in a book by Jen Hatmaker, and it made me realize some huge things. First of all, I have not been wronged in any big way in my life yet. But what I can relate to is bitterness and resentment. The first time a person entered my life against whom I harbored these feelings, I blamed that person. My thought was, "I don't feel this way about anyone else, so the problem is obviously them, not me." Then person #2 came along and I thought I was unlucky enough to have 2 of these flawed people in my life. As my list has gotten longer and started to include people closer to me, I finally have found the courage to admit to myself that the problem is within me. And the root of the problem is my own expectations. I have realized that the older you get, your own expectations about your life and your people become harder and harder to live up to, for yourself and others. As Jen Hatmaker puts it in her book, it is time for me to bury what I wanted and accept what I have, which is probably way more beautiful anyway. But the burying of what we wanted can be INCREDIBLY difficult. And I know that it will be something that I have to do daily, maybe hourly. But when I have moments of breakthrough, when I truly take my hands off of these man-made dreams, I experience the joy and peace and contentment that Jesus spoke so often about. Dear God, please make me more able to bury my own expectations of the people around me. When I was young my biggest battle was my own lack of confidence, which God turned around, and I remember specifically the day that I felt God gave me a new name, "Confidence." I think the struggle in my "middle" years up until now has been bitterness. That thing where you replay in your head the thing that you hated over and over and over again until you are ready to crucify somebody. But this resentment has become chains around my feet, tying me down to a stone as I try to swim just enough to stay afloat and breathe. I am asking God to come into my life, break that chain and give me a new name. He has done it before, and I believe He can do it again.

In our first year in Kenya, I read a book called "Kisses from Katie", which is a beautiful story of a woman who, at a very young age, decides to take in 14 girls who are without family and homes in Uganda. I loved the book, and I loved the author's passion and courage and vulnerability. Unfortunately, I let her experience become the expectation of my own experience in Kenya. I thought we would be able to help children in the same way she did, and that we would see all the same fruits of our efforts that she did. What I forgot was that my story will never be the same as anyone else's. I forgot to look for the beauty in my own life because I was looking for the beauty she found in hers. I was looking for roses and I missed the beautiful, vibrant sunflowers bowing their brown faces circled in bright yellow petals. She gave kisses to girls that she brought into her house and made her very own, and what have I given? If I left Kenya today, would I leave anything lasting behind? Maybe the stories I have shared will stay in a few memories. When I am asked to speak for a group of women, I usually bring a story to share, because that is what people can remember easily. If I visit a school, I bring a book to read to the children. I have shared all kinds of stories, and I hope that in a culture that greatly values the art of "story-telling" these stories will have some value. But mostly, I have lived out my own story here, and played a part in the stories of the children and adults that have played a part in mine. And I hope that the very small part I have played in some people's stories will make it a little bit happier, even if just for one chapter.