receive

For the last 6 months or so I've really been trying to focus on this idea of "RECEIVE." I somehow came to the understanding that God wants us not only to find joy in giving to others but to also find joy in receiving from Him, which I am not very good at. I am a striver. I strive towards goals and dreams and wishes and obligations until I'm exhausted and not much fun to be around or very good to the people I love and who need me the most. I really want to stop striving, but I find it so hard to balance meeting goals (which I am extremely hard wired for) with "rejoicing in the Lord," which requires me to just say thanks and have fun with the presents God gives me. I never seem to have time to just have fun. Like, "God, thanks for giving me this awesome family, I'm just going to have fun hanging out with them and not try to pick up the house or figure out what it is I can do that will make me feel like I'm doing something really awesome with my life." I also have some obsessive tendencies that keep me from "RECEIVING." Just ask my husband what they are and he can tell you. I can't stand to lose things, like, in an unhealthy, obsessive way. I find myself asking my two-year-old where her little teddy bear toy is and I realize, "if she doesn't care about it, why do I?" I obsess about clutter. I think Chris's heart starts beating faster every time I open a drawer because he is anticipating the inevitable question, "What is this for, and do we need it or can I get rid of it?" My mind goes to whatever thing I have lost last or whatever closet needs to be cleaned out or whatever stain on my girls' clothes I need to get out, and I am not present with my kids. WHO CARES ABOUT ALL THAT STUFF ANYWAY?! I know that in my heart but my mind goes back to those things. And I know these are really strange things to obsess about, but it's just me. If I don't have any of those things to obsess about then I revert back to my life. Why don't I have a career? I am fully qualified to. What would I do if something happened to Chris? How would I support my family? What will I do with myself when my kids don't need me as much as they do now? I just don't know how to define myself or measure myself, and this bothers me. But neither defining myself or measuring myself are required for the act of receiving. I just have to open my hands. When someone offers to help me, I am now trying to say, "okay, sure, thanks!" instead of my mind thinking "accepting this person's help is undermining my ability to do (whatever thing we are talking about) and my ability to do (whatever thing we are talking about) might be a good way to define myself so I had better hang onto it and do it myself, hoping to get a little bit of praise and make myself feel better for a while." I think that, before now, receiving help or gifts had subconsciously made me feel weak or less than because I needed or appreciated whatever I was receiving. But I now see that only through receiving the good gifts God offers can I become a stronger, better person. And not only that, but receiving is also a humbling experience, and we could all use a little more humility, right? Even something as simple as a complement can be hard to receive. I'm tempted to somehow deflect it, like saying "well I'm not really that great," "someone else really did most of this," "it almost never turns out this good" or some other remark that makes the compliment less valid. But now I try to just say, "thank you!" when someone has something nice to say, which actually takes more humility than my old way of responding. When someone comes to visit us in our home, and that is almost a constant, they often ask if there is anything they can do to help. I used to say "no" automatically because I wanted to feel like I had everything under control. I can take care of my kids and keep the house picked up and cook supper (not). But that resulted in a lot of stress for me, and the stress would lead to bitterness or jealousy or resentment or all kinds of other negative feelings that stress brings on. Now I say "yes" before I have even thought of something for the person to do because there is always some way they can help and I'm slowly tearing down this idol I have made of myself in my own heart. If God really wants to open the flood gates of heaven and rain down His blessings on me, I'm not putting my umbrella up!