having a daughter

I wouldn't generally call myself a fearful person, but lately, I have encountered something that truly scares me. I have a 4-year-old daughter that I love with more intensity than the flames on the surface of the sun. I think she is beautiful and brilliant and talented and everything else. But recently, it has dawned on me that there very likely will come a day when she looks in the mirror and doesn't like what she sees; either the way she looks or the way she thinks or the way she acts or any of a million other things will seem not-good-enough. I guess it's possible for a girl to grow up never feeling any of those things, but the odds of that are statistically very small. When I think of that moment, my heart stops. And then I want to vomit. I would give my life to stop this from happening, but me losing my life wouldn't help her at all. So I have been thinking a lot about what to do and how I can best equip her for these moments (because there will likely be more than one). Why does the prospect of her insecurity frighten me so much? Because I know that if left unchecked, the world can use that insecurity to take her to the worst places she could go... places that promise love but only offer hate. No, no, NO, those are not the places for my children. I have had my own moments of self-dislike, and I won't say they don't continue to come from time to time. My parents did a lot in the way of helping me navigate those emotions. Of course it always helps to hear the truth spoken over you, "you are beautiful, you are loved, you are talented, you have a special place in this world, you are a daughter of the King." But I think it has to go beyond that, too. My mom warned me that the self-doubt was coming. Not in a way that made me scared before I should be, but in a way that when it came, I didn't feel too surprised. It's kind of like childbirth, you can never know what it's like until you go through it, but knowledge of how it will go beforehand helps so much. I realize that for a long time I thought that if I spoke words of love over my daughter enough, I could keep her from facing self-dislike, but I am coming to grips with the fact that I can't keep her from harm all her life. All I can do is give her a toolbox full of tools to use when these problems crop up. Or is it weapons she needs more than tools? I think I will stick with the idea of tools. She is in a fight against evil, but she will need constant maintenance on her thought patterns. The first tool I can give her is the knowledge that she is a child of God, that He has made her, that He loves her EXACTLY the way she is. The world is broken, which results in her own brokenness as well, but the person she is meant to be and that she CAN be is exactly what God wants. She is His favorite! The second tool is warning of what's to come. I don't want her to be caught off guard one day when destructive thought patterns start to pop up. Last night I was talking to her about what it means to be beautiful, and I said that one day people might tell her that other things are beautiful, but they will be lying. I asked her what she thought those things might be, and she said, "make-up, hair, and dresses." Yes! I think she is onto something. Don't get me wrong, she loves to get a new dress and play with my make-up and put bows in her hair. I just need her to know that isn't where true beauty comes from. The third tool, and this is the HARDEST one, is to have a mother who doesn't listen to the destructive self-talk or the destructive lies from outside (or the inside). This means a little less time in front of the mirror, Sarah, and a little less complaining about a bad hair cut or my soft belly. One of the best things I can do for her is to look in the mirror and love myself. I'm trying... I'm really trying. I know she is going to need all the tools she can get, so I will keep trying to add them into her box. In the end, it will be up to her to put them to use. Dear God, is this how you feel? Just a fraction of how you feel? You love me more than I love my children, and you give me what I need to have life to the fullest, but I have to receive your gifts. I have to open the box, pull out the tools, and put them to work. My thought patterns need constant work. Some problems are recurring, but some are new and I need new tools to fix them. I didn't know I would be a stay-at-home mom and yet not feel completely fulfilled in that role. I didn't know I would get a PhD and feel that it still just isn't enough. I didn't know that I would go through a time of searching for my faith, find my faith, but still find myself searching. Lord, please provide me with the tools I need to get my thoughts back where they should be and give me the courage to open up my toolbox and get to work.